I find myself falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit's hole. I have been in a daze while trying to finish up "Sophie's World". I bought 2 books to read when I am through. First is "Introduction to Logic", by Immanuel Kant and the second is "Discourse on Method", by Rene Descartes. Both are well known texts in the realm of philosophy. I've decided to start my own History of Philosophy lesson.
As for the Rabbit's hole, well, lets just say there is some light down here. I do crawl out every now and then. This week I allowed myself 2 days of fun with friends. I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. We have our differences but all in all, they are quite a catch. I have also been doing some annoying things on VH1 but i am American aren't I?
Okay, third time off track. The rabbits hole, as I said, there is some light down here. It's like one day something external throws your life off balance. For me it was picking up Sophie's World. It made me think on my own world. My disconnection from myself puts me in a strange position often. The first time I can think of it hitting me was perhaps in elementary school. I had some friends I grew up with, two sets of them actually. The first set, to put it blandly, was made up of blonde's. The second were brunettes (this makes no difference in the events that occurred, I just want to separate the two). One day, my blond friends were being very boring, to say the least. My brunette friends were stirring up trouble. I loved the thrill of being bad.
They chose to pick on a girl in the grade below up because her father was a janitor at the school. I didn't even know her name but i joined in. For the first time, I could see myself, not physically of course but abstractly, I could see myself and I found myself asking, "why am I bothering this girl? i don't know her, or her father." I still did it, knowing I would get in trouble.
In the end we had to write letters apologizing. I didn't know who to address it to sadly. I can't remember the letter because I was far off, looking down upon myself. For the first time, i felt alienated from my friends. Many things came to pass in my life from then on. I remember the second time as well.
In junior high, I was awkward, chubby and quite. I let myself live through literature. I could finish a novel in hours. I learned to walk home on auto pilot while stuffed in a book. One day, I became sick of being teased by ugly pre-pubescent boys and became, well, bitchy. That led me to my first real friend, we'll call her Pam. Well, Pam and I connected on many levels. We were readers, artists and writers. We both hated homework. Eventually, we began to spend hours on the phone, exchanging rock songs, talking about school, life, the world. We were amazed by the paranormal. We even ventured as far as to devel in witch craft. God just seemed unlikely to us in a world ridden with hate and evil.
Well, back to my second out of body experience, I was standing in Macdonald's with Pam. We often ate there due to lack of funds. Scrounging for cash is not fun for teenagers. Well, I was standing there, as I always did, when suddenly i got that floating feeling again. I thought, as I watched the girl decked out in black with blue frosted tips ordering a number 2 large, with strange music playing in the background, "What am I doing? Who am I? Look at my hair, my clothes, my makeup!" I shrugged it off. From then on, it hit me at strange moments, like in class, or once at a focus group with my mom. I even had it several times while having sex with my ex, the perverted bastard. I was 15 damn it!
This fleeting feeling comes and goes. I blame it for making me strange. I use the word loosely. I'm not a threat to society or anything. I just have weird tendencies and emotions. For instance, I don't eat meat. Vegetarian right? WRONG, so wrong. I'm like a "Processed Food-ist" or something. I eat maybe, 3 types of vegetables and 3 types of fruits. I eat hot dogs, pepperoni, salami and some sausage. That's it for meat. I can't drink white milk. I don't eat a single type of fish. I only eat mozzarella and montery jack cheese (no jalapeños). I love Pepsi, pasta, pizza and eggs(scrambled) and French fries (hence the Macdonald's!)
That's the basic stuff. I eat other stuff, mostly breads and cake like things like waffles and muffins. How I made to 20 is beyond me, I must be dying slowly.
Another quirky thing about me, I got arthritis when I was 13! I have more gray hair than my mom right now. That started around the same time. I used to dye it black to cover it up, but I'm too old to keep putting chemicals in my hair. I wear it proudly.
I am also not the average 20 year old. I'll be 21 on February 22, a birthday I share with my grandmother and the late George Washington, The first president of the united States of America! Amazing right? I guess it's for other February 22ers but it is for me. Well, as for almost being a legal adult, I don't really prescribe to the doctrines of my fellow youth. I don't drink, smoke, party or have wild nights of debauchery. No, no. I tried drinking, yuck, pot, yuck, sex, okay...with someone you care about.
This is what brought me into the rabbit hole, among other things, other external influences. I remember, the first philosophical experience I had has to have been reading "The Giver" in school. I didn't realize it until I re-read it in high school on a whim. It tackles human nature as a whole. Life, government and history are estranged. It's a Utopian ideal, told through the eyes of a questioning child. It is amazing, and complex for a kid to read. I'm glad to have re-read it.
Another Influence has been the late author Robert Cormier. His strange and dark views about the human condition have made his work outlawed in some places. I love how there is relatively no happy ending for his characters.
Finally, the futuristic comedy "Future Eden" by Colin Thompson. It takes a look at the world years from now. It connects Sci-fi, Religion, aliens, chickens, the Oracle, Frankenstein and Camelot (yes Camelot). It's a strange and amazing tale of the beginning of the world, again.
There is more, but I'll end here. If you have taken the time out to read my rantings, thank you.
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