I've come to the conclusion that I've become a self hating feminist.
I started this year ashamed of my actions and feelings towards relationships & sexuality. I put the blame on my feminism & swiftly threw myself into a frenzy to undo years of psycho-sexual frustration by... Becoming one of the guys.
Yep. I could have started a religion called "Broisim" had I continued down that path. I started reading manly books in an effort to start thinking like a guy. I placed emotions on the back burner. I tried this thing where I didn't cry for a month (well, at least I tried not to & failed only to end up crying more over my failure to control my emotions than the situation that caused my outburst).
The funniest moment was when I rushed to Target late on a Saturday night to purchase a simple unisex watch. This was also probably one of the most crucial moments of the year. My significant other tried to talk me out of buying my
simple black unisex watch in exchange for a children's
Hello Kitty watch. It started a battle royal of sorts between us. In one corner was my boyfriend trying to buy me toys & pink nicknacks and in the other stood my
egotistical-male-want-to-be counter part barking on and on about my right to be who I want to be.
His lack of understanding my actions really unnerved me.
How could he not see that all our problems stemmed from me being a woman? How could he love this emotionally draining creature that bursts into tears over the most subtle of nuances? I'm still uncertain to the answers of these questions but I've learned to stop blaming biology & work on the parts of myself I dislike in a productive manner. I stopped reading books from the humor section & started reading science. I'm not an expert, in reality I'm nothing more novice still but I feel more enlightened than ever before.
There are still things I do not like about my sex but I know there are many of us who are "the exception to the rule," as coined by a women on a new reality series called "Hater" (please don't judge me, lol, it was on TV while I was eating dinner & was too lazy to change the channel). It's that takes people who genuinely hate particular celebrities & forces them to confront said celebrity. She hated the creator of the soft core porn series "Girls Gone Wild" because he takes advantage of young girls and forces them to do things they wouldn't normally do.
She spent a day with him & met people on his staff & some of the models to see what they thought about what it is he does for a living. After meeting a few well spoken intelligent women, she still argued with the creator. She kept saying that they were "the exception to the rule." In the end she agreed that women have the right to do what they want with their bodies and that participation ins GGW is absolutely voluntary (there's even a grace period where women can change their minds & be removed from the videos).
It may seem like I veered off topic for a second but a lot of what she was upset about resonated with the older, judgmental version of myself. I don't ever want to be that sort of women again. I also don't want to have a sex change to be happy.
So, in the end, I'm walking a tight rope between my male & female brains. I still can't stop using the word "bro" for almost anything but at least I have some peace of mind.
Where I once badgered against women & rallied with misogyny, I now find myself taking to the defense of my sex. It really started with out my knowledge but now there's no use denying it. I'm a self hating feminist & damn proud of it.
Deal with it.
