Wallowing in Solitude

The title is taken from a puppet play I once worked (as an usher) called "Cathay".

It just came into my mind, I guess it can describe me on sleepless nights such as this.

Last night I stood awake, listening to the trees dancing outside my window. The rain had brought extreme winds, causing them to sway to and fro. A single street light provided enough atmosphere to make the scene whimsical. I even played soft music for a while, as if the trees were listening to me as well. I danced with them in my own way.

I also spent the better part of the night watching clips of my favorite cartoons from my childhood. I know I'm only 21 but I feel as if those years are so far away. Nostalgia has been tugging at my sleeve like a child wanting to be picked up by his/her mother. I know everyone feels it from time to time but do I have to feel it consistently?

Music to Soothe My Soul

I keep going on these download marathons as of late. Imeem.com is great for finding new music if your stuck in the past like me. I love just living in the songs, letting the thumping beats takeover my mind, melting away my worries. I can live in the song, even if its temporary, its well worth it.

Living in the Past without a Future

I can't get over it, no matter what I do I'm haunted by my memories, my dreams and thoughts. They creep into my mind on a daily basis. Its hindering me and now my friend. I never meant to make her cry about it when she was over and past the resentment. The person haunting us is leaving, with no goodbye, as if they first non-goodbye was hard, this one was even harder.

I met a spiritual guide on Monday. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I went through so many emotions in one hour. She gave me 3 days to decide if I want to continue my spiritual quest of sorts. On the first day, I was really gun-ho about it, but after tonight, I began re-evaluating my self reliance.

I can be independent.

I can be an individual.

What's stopping me from living up to my full "potential"?

I am.

It's always been me. I don't know if I can [meaning change] do it on my own but shouldn't I at least try before I rely on someone else?

I refuse to be one of those self help reading, seminar attending, cult suicide joining fools who walk this planet lost in translation. I refuse to be a living ghost, waiting for a ferry to cross over. This life, right now that I'm living, is Purgatory.

This is the place between Heaven and Hell.

I own my soul as long as it inherits this body. I bend my body to do my biding until I leave it for whatever comes next.

I have so many fears, upon fears, upon fears stacked up on my soul, crushing me. I don't want to be afraid to live because I am afraid to die.

Someday I will do something memorable. I was meant to be here. A greater power made sure I was, whatever or whomever it may be.

Halloween Shenanigans

Last night was exciting, although I had to wear the same costume as last year, I looked amazing. There were so many great costumes at this years NY Halloween Parade! It's amazing how many talented and creative people there are living in this small city. I even ran into people I know, its a small world after all.
The scope of it all, the grandeur.
I had a lot of fun. Even in the darkness that engulfs me for the better part of my existence, there are times and memories I can learn to cherish again. Last night was one of them.