New Years Resolutions:

I want to live my life, as a bro. I want to be more manly.

0. Be Bro.
1. Workout for real
2. Write at least 2 times a week
3. Read at least 12 books from start to finish, 1 or more each month.
4. Watch a new film every week.
5. Call mom more.
6. Be a better vegetarian.
7. Disconnect from FB every now & then.
8. Be more financially independent.
9. Complete 3 new Cosplays/Costumes, maybe even a skit?!?!
10. Be more outgoing.
11. Finish projects.
12. Buy a tablet or netbook.
13. Buy a better camera.
14. Buy a new phone.
15. Buy more dresses & skirts.
16. Spend less money on useless crap T^T
17. Only buy quality items.
18. Sort my black bag of crap.
19. Organize my stuff more.
20. Do Yoga again!
21. Throw away garbage or make a scrapbook!
22. Stop drinking so much soda & eating too much chocolate T^T
23. Connect with more old friends.
24. Stop flaking out.
25. Speak up against injustice.
26. Open up to Mels family?
27. Forgive my enemies.
28. Do my photo/writing blog projects weekly!
29. Write a story, any story.
30. Make love everyday in everyway.

Strange Sensations.

I just came from a trip to see the Tomaselli Exhibit at The Brooklyn Museum. The work was amazing, so much detail & depth. Each part layered with found objects, part painting, part collage...

I feel overwhelmed looking at certain pieces, like the ones with figures of humans & birds specifically. There’s something about them, all the little cutouts building up a whole image of wonder & pure ecstasy. It's like a drug trip, I felt it just looking at them on the computer.

I get this flutter in my chest, or a heaviness, followed by a loss of oxygen, I have to remind myself to breath. Sometimes my eyes swell up with tears or my head gets hot & red. Right now my jaw hurts as if I've been eating jawbreakers.

In short, I experience many strange sensations.

For reasons unknown.

I'm listening to this song right now. Matches my mood perfectly. I originally bought a windows phone so I could have word in my pocket & write anytime, anywhere... Why did I stop writing? I've started again thanks to blogging but I'd like to write stories again.

I need to get over the feeling of not being good enough.
I'm always so self conscience...

Like now that people are reading this blog, I feel naked...
Like someone pulled the towel off of me as I walk out of the lavoratory of my life.

Ahhh, but I do enjoy being naked so here I am world, the naked Alex.

I've written a HUGE list of resolutions/goals for 2011. If the world ends in 2012, I'd like to do some of them at least! Lets see how I do, root for me readers!

Long talks

I love having long talks with friends, it could be about anything really, as long as we're both invested in the conversation. I've been having an amazing end to 2010, I keep talking about but it really has been my best year in a while!

To my friends past, present & future:

Thank you for the laughs, the tears, the love, the heartache.
Each of you has helped build me, shape me to the person I am today.

I am eternally greatful!

Can 2 lovers meet in a dream?

Can they?
If they fall asleep together?
Can they meet, greet & dance together?

I believe they can and often do. Especially the ones who can not be together physically. It's both beautiful & tragic, dreams can quickly become nightmares. They can engrose you & trap you in darkness. Your inner self thrown into a ring, forced to face your worst fears.

Why do we dream?
Why do we have both epic tales & nightmares happen there, in the dream world?
How do we gain control?

I can usually control myself in a dream, if it starts to get scary, I can pull myself out. It's a gift I'm proud of.

But there was one time I could not. No matter how hard I tried, I was trapped in a dream, or perhaps, trapped in a world where I was faced with a Liar, a demon. There is little to no other explination for it.

It posed as people I knew, it tried to get me to talk to it. In the dream I was sleeping & became aware of the Liar 3 times. Fear engulfed my heart & I tried to wake up, each time I did, I was in my bed, thinking I was awake but instead, I was still there in that world with the Liar. When I finally did come back to my reality, it looked so much like the dream that I could not move, I just wept & wept. I finally worked up the courage to call someone & understand I had indeed returned. In the last world, his kind tried to surround me, their dark figures in the windows, taunting me, I had to yell at it, I won't speak to you!

The human mind is a great mystery, the world & time & space & dreams & memories are all mysteries...

Today, I talked about Freud & dreams with an amazing new friend. I realize I want to read his work, I've only ever read about him, not his own words. I wonder if I can find a book store open today?

It's Thanksgiving, a day to take the time out and say what you're most greatful for.

My family, including friends (old & new, past & present) and for the air I breathe.
Thank you too.

The gears are moving.

I can hear them cranking up in my ears, each pin, each wheel, all moving in my mind. Like a train headed out on a long journey.
The smoke, the people, the line of track work ahead.

In my mind, I see the train come to a junction filled with tracks headed in every direction. Each track representing the choices I make in life.

Which track to take...
So many miles of track work...
So many hands used to make them...
Even the hands that dug up the steel...

Real men of steel.

A stream on conscientiousness with no purpose...

A spark becomes a flame.

It's burning brightly in my soul, ready to swallow an entire forest.
It feels so good, I haven't felt a true flame in my heart in a long time.
I'll do my best to do things right.

Time to let my creativity fly!

6 years

What is 6 years really?
The age of a small child.
One whose just learning,
To read,
To count,
To write,
To draw...
A small child,
One who knows nothing about the real world.
One who has so much to learn.

My relationship is a small child today, it feels like it too...

A sudden longing for winter.

I have this sudden longing for winter & snow. Maybe it's because I'm running on 4 hours of sleep but I feel like I'm dreaming. I layed down & closed my eyes for a second and remembered my epic long walk in the snow. I'd had a fight with my mother that morning and took off walking with no destination. I made my way across the Brooklyn Bridge which due to the falling snow, was almost empty.

The city, this dirty rotten city I live in was covered by a crisp clean sheet of snow. It's was so beautiful it brought me to tears, that damn stendahl syndrome I suffer from, always feeling too much.

I'm proud of my blog commitment so far, it's recent but wayyy better than any other year of it's existance. I just re-read everything again & I'm the same person, growing but the same, changing yet the same... It's hard to describe without sounding redundent but I like it.

I'm like a tree, changing with the seasons.

I don't know why it suddenly came into my mind but I'd love to expirence it again. I can't wait for the first real snow fall.

I'm just longing for winter.

Time moves too fast.

Perhaps it's just that I'm getting older but time seems to be moving fast, & faster still. Maybe this is part of growing up but it's bothersome. I feel like I never have time for the things I want to do anymore, & even when I'm having a good time, it's limited by responsability.

If it was up to me, I'd wrap myself in the love & laughter of my friends and melt into that happiness. I want to melt into the universe, melt into the powers that be and just live free.

Dear time, stop moving so fast, there is still so much for me to do, so many lose ends, unfinished projects, unresolved emotions, unsaid words and unlived expirences. Slow down, let me enjoy myself a little.

I want to be free
I want to be happy
I want to feel everything
I want to remember it all

Time moves too fast...

Back to writing!

I'll be blogging more, start a resolution before the new year begins. I'd also like to update my photo blog before the year is over (finish SOMETHING in 2010).

With meeting all these new people, I've taken to looking at their art or reading their writing and I'm getting very inspired! I used to love reading, writing & drawing. I don't know what becoming an adult has stopped me from doing these things, things I still love <3

I already have a book lined up: Einstein's Dreams.

I gotta find it at a reasonable price. I hope it's good, I haven't read a GREAT book in a looong time.

I want to get back into writing.

The fate of a woman.

The post below I made about a month or 2 ago but never published.

Funny how things change in a short amount of time. I did some things I'm not proud of, somethings out of pity and loneliness only to realize I let myself get caught up in a spiders web of tales. I was just a fly, caught in their web. I'm unstuck, grateful for the help they did give me but ready to go back to being just friends, I guess.

We woman are fickle, we don't know what we want, where we're going, what the ultimate goal is. I feel a sense of excitement at all the new people around me but also a sense of dread. What if it happens again, the lies, jealousy, betrayal? I'm making all these new connections in a world of people trying to connect. Sometimes we make good ones, bad ones... I no longer know if this initial connection was what I was looking for or if it was just me trying to mold it to my will. Them molding me to their will...

In the end it was all nothing but a distraction from reality.

I do know, I'm making another connection, something more related to what I was looking for, to what I need. I need understanding, an escape from my mundane existence but into to a world of thoughts, hopes & dreams, not games and fun. I can buy those things if I need them, what I need can not be bought, nor built, nor sold. It has no shape, no physical representation other than the people that inspire it.

In this short time I have come to understand myself a bit more, in this short amount of time.

We woman are fickle... I'll never be content.

Oh wells, such is the fate of a woman.

I'm taking 24 hrs off facebook

Well, actually I just took 24 hrs to not post directly on FB ( I keep checking updates like a loser).

In any case, it has been a very long time, as always, since I've written in this blog.

I'm somewhat different, somewhat the same.

Difference's are happening without my control.
So many dots....

I have a tendency of overusing punctuation, haha!

Take me to the river!!!!

DROP ME IN THE WATER!!!!

I really REALLY want to go swimming!!!!!!!!
GOD, MAKE ME AN OCEAN OUTSIDE MY DOOR!!!!
I want to swim to work and back!
Give me fins!!!
Gills too!

I'm such a water baby!!!

Okay, annoying sugar educed excitement over....

Another Year Passes...

Ahhh, where does time go!?!??! Why is it moving so much faster as I get older?!!??! I'm starting to feel this blog is a snapshot of my mental state over the years. I don't even remember when I started it, God time moves fast.

Things are different now, life is different now. All good kinds of different. <3

I like where I am in life, I'd love to be doing more, maybe learning something new?

I don't know what else to say other than I am happy, very very happy.

Let the stars burn out
Let the wild waters spill
Let the ash and cinder fall
Time is not linear
Time is not a being
Time is an illusion
Watch me kneel before the Gods
Watch me offer up my soul
Watch me shake my feathers clean
I am a Phoenix reborn