Wallowing in Solitude

The title is taken from a puppet play I once worked (as an usher) called "Cathay".

It just came into my mind, I guess it can describe me on sleepless nights such as this.

Last night I stood awake, listening to the trees dancing outside my window. The rain had brought extreme winds, causing them to sway to and fro. A single street light provided enough atmosphere to make the scene whimsical. I even played soft music for a while, as if the trees were listening to me as well. I danced with them in my own way.

I also spent the better part of the night watching clips of my favorite cartoons from my childhood. I know I'm only 21 but I feel as if those years are so far away. Nostalgia has been tugging at my sleeve like a child wanting to be picked up by his/her mother. I know everyone feels it from time to time but do I have to feel it consistently?

Music to Soothe My Soul

I keep going on these download marathons as of late. Imeem.com is great for finding new music if your stuck in the past like me. I love just living in the songs, letting the thumping beats takeover my mind, melting away my worries. I can live in the song, even if its temporary, its well worth it.

Living in the Past without a Future

I can't get over it, no matter what I do I'm haunted by my memories, my dreams and thoughts. They creep into my mind on a daily basis. Its hindering me and now my friend. I never meant to make her cry about it when she was over and past the resentment. The person haunting us is leaving, with no goodbye, as if they first non-goodbye was hard, this one was even harder.

I met a spiritual guide on Monday. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I went through so many emotions in one hour. She gave me 3 days to decide if I want to continue my spiritual quest of sorts. On the first day, I was really gun-ho about it, but after tonight, I began re-evaluating my self reliance.

I can be independent.

I can be an individual.

What's stopping me from living up to my full "potential"?

I am.

It's always been me. I don't know if I can [meaning change] do it on my own but shouldn't I at least try before I rely on someone else?

I refuse to be one of those self help reading, seminar attending, cult suicide joining fools who walk this planet lost in translation. I refuse to be a living ghost, waiting for a ferry to cross over. This life, right now that I'm living, is Purgatory.

This is the place between Heaven and Hell.

I own my soul as long as it inherits this body. I bend my body to do my biding until I leave it for whatever comes next.

I have so many fears, upon fears, upon fears stacked up on my soul, crushing me. I don't want to be afraid to live because I am afraid to die.

Someday I will do something memorable. I was meant to be here. A greater power made sure I was, whatever or whomever it may be.

Halloween Shenanigans

Last night was exciting, although I had to wear the same costume as last year, I looked amazing. There were so many great costumes at this years NY Halloween Parade! It's amazing how many talented and creative people there are living in this small city. I even ran into people I know, its a small world after all.
The scope of it all, the grandeur.
I had a lot of fun. Even in the darkness that engulfs me for the better part of my existence, there are times and memories I can learn to cherish again. Last night was one of them.

Pangs of Fear

I sometimes have these pangs of fear at the thought of dying...

I don't know why it happens. Its absolutely random!!! I'll be on the bus or train, admiring the view when I become aware of my mortality and then it hits me. Fear, unrelenting and cruel. I have no control of it and its terrifying.

I wish I was brave. I don't want to be afraid to live because I'm afraid of dying.

Time to start over

I quit my job, again. I can't seem to figure out where I really want to be or what I really want to do. I realized that I like making things with my hands. I feel happy showing off the things I make but I feel like such a novice. There is so much I don't know, so much that I want to learn.

I am stubborn and lazy. I don't have the drive to get off my high horse and DO SOMETHING!!!!

I feel like a hermit crab. I want to stay in my shell.

At least I found friends again. People who genuinely like me. This may help me on my path.

My sentences and paragraphs seem to be shrinking exponentially. I need to post more!!! I don't want to lose my ability to write!!! I will pledge to write at least once a week from now on!

It's Just How I Manage...

A little here, a little there. I'm not very committed to these things as I've said before. I wish I could be but I always seem to be behind on time, as if it's moving at great speeds and I, the lowly sloth, continue to lie about in the trees above, waiting to fall.

I've begun a ritual cleansing of my spirit. I decided to let go of the people who have hurt me most severely. It will be a gradual extermination (a photo deleted here, number blocking and what not) until my hands have been washed clean. When I remember these people I now refer to them as "A girl I once knew" or "this guy I used to like", hoping that eventually that is all they will be to me, foggy memories, dusty photos and forgotten names.

I've also cut my hair quite short. I'm very satisfied, its as if along with throwing away my emotional baggage, I'm letting down my autumn leaves. It makes your head feel light again, I wonder if the trees appreciate the seasons as much as I do.

I started reading novels again! Okay, even if its meant for 11 year olds, I admit that I'm obsessed with the Warriors series by Erin Hunter, its simply amazing and gut wrenchingly painful. I love the characters as much as my family. They suffer terribly in the name of god, trust and love. Who knew a group of wild cats could be described to humanly?

These changes have left me feeling emotionally drained and throughly dried up. I even got a new job just to quit 1 month in. It was terribly tiering on me physically; I'll miss that $12.00 an hour though.

Losing so many loved ones so rapidly drove me crazy for a while. I couldn't help wondering where I'd gone wrong as a friend. Part of me still hopes they will all come back some day and things will be happy once more. The pain I got from losing them was not so much for the pain they caused but for the loss of some of my most precious and cherished memories.

I once grasped tightly to my memories, telling myself they they were what kept me human and reminded me that I exist. Realizing that some of those memories were not the same for them hurt me more than I can say in words. To think that my best friend thought of me as her worst enemy was so jarring, as if everything I had ever felt for her had been a mirage in the desert that is my mind.

All the edifices I have built there are gone.
My tears are from the winds that blow.
My skin is cracked and bleeding from the dry air.
I feel more thirst than I've ever felt before but there is no water in my desert.

I've stepped out of my mirage.

All I see are the hills of sand. Occasionally I see signs of life but upon closer inspection, they too are mirages. How will I ever trust myself to drink from the pool of life once more?

Its been months!

And time has turned my friend. I'm sorry I have not written in a long time, i tend to d these things with blogs and diaries. Life for me has evolved in many ways. I'm losing sight of whats important, whats special, who and what I am, where I'll be and what I'll become. Its like I've fallen deeper down the rabbit hole and I can no longer see the spot of light above. I'll glide for now!