Socrates once said that people have knowledge within themselves. Teachers only make us remember these concepts. I believe this came from the "Meno" but I could be wrong. After finding out that I have lost my TAP grant, I've decided to become a Life Student and teach myself. If all these ideas are already within me, I can read and write to bring those ideas forward.
My first was collecting books for my History Of Philosophy course. Having done that, I realize that I need to take all the subjects into account if I want to find "My" philosophy. I've been downloading Ebooks like a maniac. I've also begun to sort through my school work from the last 8-9 years of my life. There is a lot of stuff to go through. I'm archiving it all as PDF's on my laptop.
It's exciting for me to become who I was. Over time I became very set in my daily routines. I stopped reading for a long time but Sophie has brought me back.
The ending of the book was a bittersweet experience for me. It totally blew my mind away by taking the "Big Bang" theory and really explaining it. I think schools fail to really teach us about the vastness of our universe. The theory goes that once upon a time, in a galaxy we are living in, every atom was a tightly compressed ball. The pressure got so strong that it exploded across our universe, creating collisions, stars, dwarfs, plants, moons and stars. I always thought the Big Bang referred to the creation of Earth itself but it is so much more.
This explosion that happened millions of years ago is still not over. Everything in our universe is still in the process of traveling because of the lack of gravity, however, the galaxy's with gravitational pull are fighting against this force and trying to pull things together. This means that the universe will continue to expand forever or one day come together again and explode.
A very scary thought.
to be continued...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Living with a Questionable Future...
I was once completely certain of my future. I was one of the few people in my senior year class who knew what they wanted to study in college. I told myself, Philosophy and Film. they were my favorite topics in the world. When college started, it was not easy. I had many personal issues and family issues holding me back, not to mention the fact that i was juggling 2-3 jobs at on time. I had a teacher who discouraged me greatly. I thought that maybe I should take a break from school.
Now, when I decided to work one job and try to take school seriously...I lose my TAP. Something is always holding me back. I even hold myself back. I'm 20 and living with an uncertain future. Sounds normal but I can't help but feel like I'm drifting through time. I was able to sleep last night. I even remember fragments of my dream.
First I remember going to an ATM in a school locker to get money. The machine had been hacked and was spewing out more money than I needed so I took it and ran off. There was a virus going around and everyone was running around like headless chickens. These men in body sutes were going around capturing the infected. These cars crashed near me and I think I was attacked and caught the virus but I didn't want to get captured so I ran into a bar. It started to rain in the bar. People were fighting to get to the roof. I kept slipping on the metal stairs. Then my dream shifted as I came face to face with on of the men, I like, floated up and was standing on the roof over a bathtub with a dead body in it. I started to let my blood fall into the bathtub.
Then I was in a bedroom with two of my high school friends. They were filming a movie and wanted my help but I needed to use the bathroom. It was really tiny and i had to slide the sink into the wall to get to the toilet. I decided I wanted to take a shower but people kept knocking at the door so I gave up. When I came out I sat at a table with my Boyfriend and his friend. I have a mental attraction to this friend so in my dream I felt like I was cheating on my BF. That's all I remember.
The weirdest part was the blood. It looked so ritualistic and I don't know what it means. I'll look up what Freud thinks of rituals in the mind.
Now, when I decided to work one job and try to take school seriously...I lose my TAP. Something is always holding me back. I even hold myself back. I'm 20 and living with an uncertain future. Sounds normal but I can't help but feel like I'm drifting through time. I was able to sleep last night. I even remember fragments of my dream.
First I remember going to an ATM in a school locker to get money. The machine had been hacked and was spewing out more money than I needed so I took it and ran off. There was a virus going around and everyone was running around like headless chickens. These men in body sutes were going around capturing the infected. These cars crashed near me and I think I was attacked and caught the virus but I didn't want to get captured so I ran into a bar. It started to rain in the bar. People were fighting to get to the roof. I kept slipping on the metal stairs. Then my dream shifted as I came face to face with on of the men, I like, floated up and was standing on the roof over a bathtub with a dead body in it. I started to let my blood fall into the bathtub.
Then I was in a bedroom with two of my high school friends. They were filming a movie and wanted my help but I needed to use the bathroom. It was really tiny and i had to slide the sink into the wall to get to the toilet. I decided I wanted to take a shower but people kept knocking at the door so I gave up. When I came out I sat at a table with my Boyfriend and his friend. I have a mental attraction to this friend so in my dream I felt like I was cheating on my BF. That's all I remember.
The weirdest part was the blood. It looked so ritualistic and I don't know what it means. I'll look up what Freud thinks of rituals in the mind.
Monday, August 20, 2007
I stare out the window blankly as Anime becomes me...
I can't help myself. I love anime. There are so many great anime's out there it kills me! So I spent the better part of my weekend playing Video games and watching Korean Drama's. Asian culture is attached to me.
It was awfully gray outside today. I woke up feeling like a deep sea crustacean. I felt wobbly and transparent. It was so bazaar! I read some more of my book. Right now I'm reading about the romanticists movement in Europe. The author compare them to hippies, so strange!
I started to think about my dreams today. I used to be fascinated by them and run to barnes and nobles to learn the Freudian meanings behind them. I even started to watch some old documentary about him. I want to go back to that. The film talked about human psychoanalysis and how Freud believed that humans suppress their carnal desires and instincts. We have these animal qualities that are dark and we feel the need to hide it but dreams resurface these innate emotions because we cannot control our dreams much. It also talked about how current advertising uses this idea to make us feel like we need to buy certain products. I saw this on: http://tv-links.co.uk/listings/9
That link takes you to the site. They have different sections, above is the documentary section. I wanted to watch more but my boyfriend looked bored, so I put on some anime, ^_^.
In the post before my last, I touched on some ideas. i want to explore them further in my next blog. I'll also update you on my re-visit into the dream realm. I have a notebook ready to go. I'll start to write them down like I did so long ago. Let's see what Freud can tell me about myself eh?
It was awfully gray outside today. I woke up feeling like a deep sea crustacean. I felt wobbly and transparent. It was so bazaar! I read some more of my book. Right now I'm reading about the romanticists movement in Europe. The author compare them to hippies, so strange!
I started to think about my dreams today. I used to be fascinated by them and run to barnes and nobles to learn the Freudian meanings behind them. I even started to watch some old documentary about him. I want to go back to that. The film talked about human psychoanalysis and how Freud believed that humans suppress their carnal desires and instincts. We have these animal qualities that are dark and we feel the need to hide it but dreams resurface these innate emotions because we cannot control our dreams much. It also talked about how current advertising uses this idea to make us feel like we need to buy certain products. I saw this on: http://tv-links.co.uk/listings/9
That link takes you to the site. They have different sections, above is the documentary section. I wanted to watch more but my boyfriend looked bored, so I put on some anime, ^_^.
In the post before my last, I touched on some ideas. i want to explore them further in my next blog. I'll also update you on my re-visit into the dream realm. I have a notebook ready to go. I'll start to write them down like I did so long ago. Let's see what Freud can tell me about myself eh?
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Death...Life
Someone died today. It's also someones birthday and theres a wedding next door. I want to listen to the Deftones but my BF is telling me to have respect. Why? I didn't kill anyone. I don't know the person. There are many things happening today. There are hundreds of babies being born from this one death.
I know it's sad. When I heard about it, I reflected on my family. I would put myself in place of any of them at any time. I couldn't handle it I don't think.
What is there to mourn?
I know it's sad. When I heard about it, I reflected on my family. I would put myself in place of any of them at any time. I couldn't handle it I don't think.
What is there to mourn?
Friday, August 17, 2007
Into The Rabbit Hole...and a little about me ^_^
I find myself falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit's hole. I have been in a daze while trying to finish up "Sophie's World". I bought 2 books to read when I am through. First is "Introduction to Logic", by Immanuel Kant and the second is "Discourse on Method", by Rene Descartes. Both are well known texts in the realm of philosophy. I've decided to start my own History of Philosophy lesson.
As for the Rabbit's hole, well, lets just say there is some light down here. I do crawl out every now and then. This week I allowed myself 2 days of fun with friends. I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. We have our differences but all in all, they are quite a catch. I have also been doing some annoying things on VH1 but i am American aren't I?
Okay, third time off track. The rabbits hole, as I said, there is some light down here. It's like one day something external throws your life off balance. For me it was picking up Sophie's World. It made me think on my own world. My disconnection from myself puts me in a strange position often. The first time I can think of it hitting me was perhaps in elementary school. I had some friends I grew up with, two sets of them actually. The first set, to put it blandly, was made up of blonde's. The second were brunettes (this makes no difference in the events that occurred, I just want to separate the two). One day, my blond friends were being very boring, to say the least. My brunette friends were stirring up trouble. I loved the thrill of being bad.
They chose to pick on a girl in the grade below up because her father was a janitor at the school. I didn't even know her name but i joined in. For the first time, I could see myself, not physically of course but abstractly, I could see myself and I found myself asking, "why am I bothering this girl? i don't know her, or her father." I still did it, knowing I would get in trouble.
In the end we had to write letters apologizing. I didn't know who to address it to sadly. I can't remember the letter because I was far off, looking down upon myself. For the first time, i felt alienated from my friends. Many things came to pass in my life from then on. I remember the second time as well.
In junior high, I was awkward, chubby and quite. I let myself live through literature. I could finish a novel in hours. I learned to walk home on auto pilot while stuffed in a book. One day, I became sick of being teased by ugly pre-pubescent boys and became, well, bitchy. That led me to my first real friend, we'll call her Pam. Well, Pam and I connected on many levels. We were readers, artists and writers. We both hated homework. Eventually, we began to spend hours on the phone, exchanging rock songs, talking about school, life, the world. We were amazed by the paranormal. We even ventured as far as to devel in witch craft. God just seemed unlikely to us in a world ridden with hate and evil.
Well, back to my second out of body experience, I was standing in Macdonald's with Pam. We often ate there due to lack of funds. Scrounging for cash is not fun for teenagers. Well, I was standing there, as I always did, when suddenly i got that floating feeling again. I thought, as I watched the girl decked out in black with blue frosted tips ordering a number 2 large, with strange music playing in the background, "What am I doing? Who am I? Look at my hair, my clothes, my makeup!" I shrugged it off. From then on, it hit me at strange moments, like in class, or once at a focus group with my mom. I even had it several times while having sex with my ex, the perverted bastard. I was 15 damn it!
This fleeting feeling comes and goes. I blame it for making me strange. I use the word loosely. I'm not a threat to society or anything. I just have weird tendencies and emotions. For instance, I don't eat meat. Vegetarian right? WRONG, so wrong. I'm like a "Processed Food-ist" or something. I eat maybe, 3 types of vegetables and 3 types of fruits. I eat hot dogs, pepperoni, salami and some sausage. That's it for meat. I can't drink white milk. I don't eat a single type of fish. I only eat mozzarella and montery jack cheese (no jalapeños). I love Pepsi, pasta, pizza and eggs(scrambled) and French fries (hence the Macdonald's!)
That's the basic stuff. I eat other stuff, mostly breads and cake like things like waffles and muffins. How I made to 20 is beyond me, I must be dying slowly.
Another quirky thing about me, I got arthritis when I was 13! I have more gray hair than my mom right now. That started around the same time. I used to dye it black to cover it up, but I'm too old to keep putting chemicals in my hair. I wear it proudly.
I am also not the average 20 year old. I'll be 21 on February 22, a birthday I share with my grandmother and the late George Washington, The first president of the united States of America! Amazing right? I guess it's for other February 22ers but it is for me. Well, as for almost being a legal adult, I don't really prescribe to the doctrines of my fellow youth. I don't drink, smoke, party or have wild nights of debauchery. No, no. I tried drinking, yuck, pot, yuck, sex, okay...with someone you care about.
This is what brought me into the rabbit hole, among other things, other external influences. I remember, the first philosophical experience I had has to have been reading "The Giver" in school. I didn't realize it until I re-read it in high school on a whim. It tackles human nature as a whole. Life, government and history are estranged. It's a Utopian ideal, told through the eyes of a questioning child. It is amazing, and complex for a kid to read. I'm glad to have re-read it.
Another Influence has been the late author Robert Cormier. His strange and dark views about the human condition have made his work outlawed in some places. I love how there is relatively no happy ending for his characters.
Finally, the futuristic comedy "Future Eden" by Colin Thompson. It takes a look at the world years from now. It connects Sci-fi, Religion, aliens, chickens, the Oracle, Frankenstein and Camelot (yes Camelot). It's a strange and amazing tale of the beginning of the world, again.
There is more, but I'll end here. If you have taken the time out to read my rantings, thank you.
As for the Rabbit's hole, well, lets just say there is some light down here. I do crawl out every now and then. This week I allowed myself 2 days of fun with friends. I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. We have our differences but all in all, they are quite a catch. I have also been doing some annoying things on VH1 but i am American aren't I?
Okay, third time off track. The rabbits hole, as I said, there is some light down here. It's like one day something external throws your life off balance. For me it was picking up Sophie's World. It made me think on my own world. My disconnection from myself puts me in a strange position often. The first time I can think of it hitting me was perhaps in elementary school. I had some friends I grew up with, two sets of them actually. The first set, to put it blandly, was made up of blonde's. The second were brunettes (this makes no difference in the events that occurred, I just want to separate the two). One day, my blond friends were being very boring, to say the least. My brunette friends were stirring up trouble. I loved the thrill of being bad.
They chose to pick on a girl in the grade below up because her father was a janitor at the school. I didn't even know her name but i joined in. For the first time, I could see myself, not physically of course but abstractly, I could see myself and I found myself asking, "why am I bothering this girl? i don't know her, or her father." I still did it, knowing I would get in trouble.
In the end we had to write letters apologizing. I didn't know who to address it to sadly. I can't remember the letter because I was far off, looking down upon myself. For the first time, i felt alienated from my friends. Many things came to pass in my life from then on. I remember the second time as well.
In junior high, I was awkward, chubby and quite. I let myself live through literature. I could finish a novel in hours. I learned to walk home on auto pilot while stuffed in a book. One day, I became sick of being teased by ugly pre-pubescent boys and became, well, bitchy. That led me to my first real friend, we'll call her Pam. Well, Pam and I connected on many levels. We were readers, artists and writers. We both hated homework. Eventually, we began to spend hours on the phone, exchanging rock songs, talking about school, life, the world. We were amazed by the paranormal. We even ventured as far as to devel in witch craft. God just seemed unlikely to us in a world ridden with hate and evil.
Well, back to my second out of body experience, I was standing in Macdonald's with Pam. We often ate there due to lack of funds. Scrounging for cash is not fun for teenagers. Well, I was standing there, as I always did, when suddenly i got that floating feeling again. I thought, as I watched the girl decked out in black with blue frosted tips ordering a number 2 large, with strange music playing in the background, "What am I doing? Who am I? Look at my hair, my clothes, my makeup!" I shrugged it off. From then on, it hit me at strange moments, like in class, or once at a focus group with my mom. I even had it several times while having sex with my ex, the perverted bastard. I was 15 damn it!
This fleeting feeling comes and goes. I blame it for making me strange. I use the word loosely. I'm not a threat to society or anything. I just have weird tendencies and emotions. For instance, I don't eat meat. Vegetarian right? WRONG, so wrong. I'm like a "Processed Food-ist" or something. I eat maybe, 3 types of vegetables and 3 types of fruits. I eat hot dogs, pepperoni, salami and some sausage. That's it for meat. I can't drink white milk. I don't eat a single type of fish. I only eat mozzarella and montery jack cheese (no jalapeños). I love Pepsi, pasta, pizza and eggs(scrambled) and French fries (hence the Macdonald's!)
That's the basic stuff. I eat other stuff, mostly breads and cake like things like waffles and muffins. How I made to 20 is beyond me, I must be dying slowly.
Another quirky thing about me, I got arthritis when I was 13! I have more gray hair than my mom right now. That started around the same time. I used to dye it black to cover it up, but I'm too old to keep putting chemicals in my hair. I wear it proudly.
I am also not the average 20 year old. I'll be 21 on February 22, a birthday I share with my grandmother and the late George Washington, The first president of the united States of America! Amazing right? I guess it's for other February 22ers but it is for me. Well, as for almost being a legal adult, I don't really prescribe to the doctrines of my fellow youth. I don't drink, smoke, party or have wild nights of debauchery. No, no. I tried drinking, yuck, pot, yuck, sex, okay...with someone you care about.
This is what brought me into the rabbit hole, among other things, other external influences. I remember, the first philosophical experience I had has to have been reading "The Giver" in school. I didn't realize it until I re-read it in high school on a whim. It tackles human nature as a whole. Life, government and history are estranged. It's a Utopian ideal, told through the eyes of a questioning child. It is amazing, and complex for a kid to read. I'm glad to have re-read it.
Another Influence has been the late author Robert Cormier. His strange and dark views about the human condition have made his work outlawed in some places. I love how there is relatively no happy ending for his characters.
Finally, the futuristic comedy "Future Eden" by Colin Thompson. It takes a look at the world years from now. It connects Sci-fi, Religion, aliens, chickens, the Oracle, Frankenstein and Camelot (yes Camelot). It's a strange and amazing tale of the beginning of the world, again.
There is more, but I'll end here. If you have taken the time out to read my rantings, thank you.
Friday, August 10, 2007
In Limbo....and not under the bar
Sometimes I feel like I'm floating through life just watching the world around me turning slowly. My life plays out like a movie in front of me, shot in first person view. I sit in an empty theater watching this never ending tale. Every time I find someone to watch with me, they get bored and leave shortly after. When am I going to find someone to stay for the end of the film?
The journey of life is so lonely...
Even when my theater is full...
The journey of life is so lonely...
Even when my theater is full...
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Sophie...Sophism...Socrates
I'm reading the book "Sophie's World" and it's really bring my mind back to what it was 2 years ago when I bought the book to begin with. I guess after my first semester at college, my scary Philosophy teacher really deterred me from returning to my personal study of the human existence.
I never really stopped questioning my existence, but I did allow myself to become too comfortable with a trivial day to day lifestyle. Work, eat, sleep...etc.
I don't want to be so comfortable anymore. I want to work on my mind, body and soul but it's so hard when things in life pull you back. Daily troubles and "Bad Luck" have been stopping me.
Maybe I'm just stopping myself for fear of failure. Stopping myself from what you might ask...well, from living my life happily. I haven't found my niche yet. I have many
interests but nothing I can really grasp onto. I have piles of unfinished projects and unwritten ideas that are cluttering my life. Maybe I should just start clean slate. Get rid of everything and start from scratch. I fear that I will forget something in the future...
Maybe it's a soulful fear. My soul has lost it's memories at some point so I fear losing them again. I'm like a scavenger, saving scraps of things that have happened, places I have been, people I have met. I don't know what to do with it all.
I don't even keep up with these blogs or Journals...
I never really stopped questioning my existence, but I did allow myself to become too comfortable with a trivial day to day lifestyle. Work, eat, sleep...etc.
I don't want to be so comfortable anymore. I want to work on my mind, body and soul but it's so hard when things in life pull you back. Daily troubles and "Bad Luck" have been stopping me.
Maybe I'm just stopping myself for fear of failure. Stopping myself from what you might ask...well, from living my life happily. I haven't found my niche yet. I have many
interests but nothing I can really grasp onto. I have piles of unfinished projects and unwritten ideas that are cluttering my life. Maybe I should just start clean slate. Get rid of everything and start from scratch. I fear that I will forget something in the future...
Maybe it's a soulful fear. My soul has lost it's memories at some point so I fear losing them again. I'm like a scavenger, saving scraps of things that have happened, places I have been, people I have met. I don't know what to do with it all.
I don't even keep up with these blogs or Journals...
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