Pangs of Fear

I sometimes have these pangs of fear at the thought of dying...

I don't know why it happens. Its absolutely random!!! I'll be on the bus or train, admiring the view when I become aware of my mortality and then it hits me. Fear, unrelenting and cruel. I have no control of it and its terrifying.

I wish I was brave. I don't want to be afraid to live because I'm afraid of dying.

Time to start over

I quit my job, again. I can't seem to figure out where I really want to be or what I really want to do. I realized that I like making things with my hands. I feel happy showing off the things I make but I feel like such a novice. There is so much I don't know, so much that I want to learn.

I am stubborn and lazy. I don't have the drive to get off my high horse and DO SOMETHING!!!!

I feel like a hermit crab. I want to stay in my shell.

At least I found friends again. People who genuinely like me. This may help me on my path.

My sentences and paragraphs seem to be shrinking exponentially. I need to post more!!! I don't want to lose my ability to write!!! I will pledge to write at least once a week from now on!

It's Just How I Manage...

A little here, a little there. I'm not very committed to these things as I've said before. I wish I could be but I always seem to be behind on time, as if it's moving at great speeds and I, the lowly sloth, continue to lie about in the trees above, waiting to fall.

I've begun a ritual cleansing of my spirit. I decided to let go of the people who have hurt me most severely. It will be a gradual extermination (a photo deleted here, number blocking and what not) until my hands have been washed clean. When I remember these people I now refer to them as "A girl I once knew" or "this guy I used to like", hoping that eventually that is all they will be to me, foggy memories, dusty photos and forgotten names.

I've also cut my hair quite short. I'm very satisfied, its as if along with throwing away my emotional baggage, I'm letting down my autumn leaves. It makes your head feel light again, I wonder if the trees appreciate the seasons as much as I do.

I started reading novels again! Okay, even if its meant for 11 year olds, I admit that I'm obsessed with the Warriors series by Erin Hunter, its simply amazing and gut wrenchingly painful. I love the characters as much as my family. They suffer terribly in the name of god, trust and love. Who knew a group of wild cats could be described to humanly?

These changes have left me feeling emotionally drained and throughly dried up. I even got a new job just to quit 1 month in. It was terribly tiering on me physically; I'll miss that $12.00 an hour though.

Losing so many loved ones so rapidly drove me crazy for a while. I couldn't help wondering where I'd gone wrong as a friend. Part of me still hopes they will all come back some day and things will be happy once more. The pain I got from losing them was not so much for the pain they caused but for the loss of some of my most precious and cherished memories.

I once grasped tightly to my memories, telling myself they they were what kept me human and reminded me that I exist. Realizing that some of those memories were not the same for them hurt me more than I can say in words. To think that my best friend thought of me as her worst enemy was so jarring, as if everything I had ever felt for her had been a mirage in the desert that is my mind.

All the edifices I have built there are gone.
My tears are from the winds that blow.
My skin is cracked and bleeding from the dry air.
I feel more thirst than I've ever felt before but there is no water in my desert.

I've stepped out of my mirage.

All I see are the hills of sand. Occasionally I see signs of life but upon closer inspection, they too are mirages. How will I ever trust myself to drink from the pool of life once more?

Its been months!

And time has turned my friend. I'm sorry I have not written in a long time, i tend to d these things with blogs and diaries. Life for me has evolved in many ways. I'm losing sight of whats important, whats special, who and what I am, where I'll be and what I'll become. Its like I've fallen deeper down the rabbit hole and I can no longer see the spot of light above. I'll glide for now!

September September....

It's September! Many things have come to pass in such a short amount of time. With fall's changes come some changes in myself and in my life ( as always). I almost forgot about this blog, as I have spent my days working like a slave child. It's not so bad, I get to sleep and I get two days off. And discounts of course.
I hope to have an apartment soon. Lets see how things work out!
My studies have come to a halt right now. I hope to return to that too as soon as I get used to my new schedule. Thanks for finding my words mama!

Becoming My own Teacher

Socrates once said that people have knowledge within themselves. Teachers only make us remember these concepts. I believe this came from the "Meno" but I could be wrong. After finding out that I have lost my TAP grant, I've decided to become a Life Student and teach myself. If all these ideas are already within me, I can read and write to bring those ideas forward.
My first was collecting books for my History Of Philosophy course. Having done that, I realize that I need to take all the subjects into account if I want to find "My" philosophy. I've been downloading Ebooks like a maniac. I've also begun to sort through my school work from the last 8-9 years of my life. There is a lot of stuff to go through. I'm archiving it all as PDF's on my laptop.
It's exciting for me to become who I was. Over time I became very set in my daily routines. I stopped reading for a long time but Sophie has brought me back.
The ending of the book was a bittersweet experience for me. It totally blew my mind away by taking the "Big Bang" theory and really explaining it. I think schools fail to really teach us about the vastness of our universe. The theory goes that once upon a time, in a galaxy we are living in, every atom was a tightly compressed ball. The pressure got so strong that it exploded across our universe, creating collisions, stars, dwarfs, plants, moons and stars. I always thought the Big Bang referred to the creation of Earth itself but it is so much more.
This explosion that happened millions of years ago is still not over. Everything in our universe is still in the process of traveling because of the lack of gravity, however, the galaxy's with gravitational pull are fighting against this force and trying to pull things together. This means that the universe will continue to expand forever or one day come together again and explode.
A very scary thought.
to be continued...

Living with a Questionable Future...

I was once completely certain of my future. I was one of the few people in my senior year class who knew what they wanted to study in college. I told myself, Philosophy and Film. they were my favorite topics in the world. When college started, it was not easy. I had many personal issues and family issues holding me back, not to mention the fact that i was juggling 2-3 jobs at on time. I had a teacher who discouraged me greatly. I thought that maybe I should take a break from school.
Now, when I decided to work one job and try to take school seriously...I lose my TAP. Something is always holding me back. I even hold myself back. I'm 20 and living with an uncertain future. Sounds normal but I can't help but feel like I'm drifting through time. I was able to sleep last night. I even remember fragments of my dream.
First I remember going to an ATM in a school locker to get money. The machine had been hacked and was spewing out more money than I needed so I took it and ran off. There was a virus going around and everyone was running around like headless chickens. These men in body sutes were going around capturing the infected. These cars crashed near me and I think I was attacked and caught the virus but I didn't want to get captured so I ran into a bar. It started to rain in the bar. People were fighting to get to the roof. I kept slipping on the metal stairs. Then my dream shifted as I came face to face with on of the men, I like, floated up and was standing on the roof over a bathtub with a dead body in it. I started to let my blood fall into the bathtub.
Then I was in a bedroom with two of my high school friends. They were filming a movie and wanted my help but I needed to use the bathroom. It was really tiny and i had to slide the sink into the wall to get to the toilet. I decided I wanted to take a shower but people kept knocking at the door so I gave up. When I came out I sat at a table with my Boyfriend and his friend. I have a mental attraction to this friend so in my dream I felt like I was cheating on my BF. That's all I remember.
The weirdest part was the blood. It looked so ritualistic and I don't know what it means. I'll look up what Freud thinks of rituals in the mind.

I stare out the window blankly as Anime becomes me...

I can't help myself. I love anime. There are so many great anime's out there it kills me! So I spent the better part of my weekend playing Video games and watching Korean Drama's. Asian culture is attached to me.

It was awfully gray outside today. I woke up feeling like a deep sea crustacean. I felt wobbly and transparent. It was so bazaar! I read some more of my book. Right now I'm reading about the romanticists movement in Europe. The author compare them to hippies, so strange!

I started to think about my dreams today. I used to be fascinated by them and run to barnes and nobles to learn the Freudian meanings behind them. I even started to watch some old documentary about him. I want to go back to that. The film talked about human psychoanalysis and how Freud believed that humans suppress their carnal desires and instincts. We have these animal qualities that are dark and we feel the need to hide it but dreams resurface these innate emotions because we cannot control our dreams much. It also talked about how current advertising uses this idea to make us feel like we need to buy certain products. I saw this on: http://tv-links.co.uk/listings/9
That link takes you to the site. They have different sections, above is the documentary section. I wanted to watch more but my boyfriend looked bored, so I put on some anime, ^_^.

In the post before my last, I touched on some ideas. i want to explore them further in my next blog. I'll also update you on my re-visit into the dream realm. I have a notebook ready to go. I'll start to write them down like I did so long ago. Let's see what Freud can tell me about myself eh?