Another Year Passes...

Ahhh, where does time go!?!??! Why is it moving so much faster as I get older?!!??! I'm starting to feel this blog is a snapshot of my mental state over the years. I don't even remember when I started it, God time moves fast.

Things are different now, life is different now. All good kinds of different. <3

I like where I am in life, I'd love to be doing more, maybe learning something new?

I don't know what else to say other than I am happy, very very happy.

Let the stars burn out
Let the wild waters spill
Let the ash and cinder fall
Time is not linear
Time is not a being
Time is an illusion
Watch me kneel before the Gods
Watch me offer up my soul
Watch me shake my feathers clean
I am a Phoenix reborn

I've become a sheep

But it's not so bad...

I guess being part of the herd is better than moving the herd along. Hopefully I won't be lead off the side of a cliff!!! I recently wanted to put in a blog but I forget what is was that I wanted to write about...

Alls well that ends well...

I dream big dreams... I like to create... to think... to learn...


My motivation is rising once again!

Sleepy Saturday

Today was gray. All I did was sleep...

It's 6pm, I don't know where my children are...



P.S. I do care... this is in regard to my last post. I really do care so I guess I'm not all bad huh?

"You have such a big heart"

Hello again blog, it's been a while. I really am terrible at keeping up with these things, such is the chaos that is I.

This years/month's topic will be "You have such a big heart"

I recenlty re-watched the b-horror movie "Drag me to Hell" about the banker to denies an old gypsy lady an extension on paying her loans and gets cursed. She spends the entire film trying to hide her past, overcome this curse and prove she is innocent only to admit in her final moments she purposely did not give the woman the loan she needed to save her home. All her boyfriend said was "You have such a big heart"

My significant other tells me this often but I can't help but wonder if I really do. I have made many more changes to my life. I have gone green, I'm a vegetarian, I work at a non profit organization and I try my best not to be such a hot head about my opinions and applaud others for theirs instead.

But in my heart...

I want to throw my trash on the floor like everyone else.
I want a greasy pepperoni pizza.
I don't want to hear your families perilous immigrant story.
I don't give a shit if you disagree with me.

Am I truly good or am I terribly bad? These are my new questions on this journey called life.

Wallowing in Solitude

The title is taken from a puppet play I once worked (as an usher) called "Cathay".

It just came into my mind, I guess it can describe me on sleepless nights such as this.

Last night I stood awake, listening to the trees dancing outside my window. The rain had brought extreme winds, causing them to sway to and fro. A single street light provided enough atmosphere to make the scene whimsical. I even played soft music for a while, as if the trees were listening to me as well. I danced with them in my own way.

I also spent the better part of the night watching clips of my favorite cartoons from my childhood. I know I'm only 21 but I feel as if those years are so far away. Nostalgia has been tugging at my sleeve like a child wanting to be picked up by his/her mother. I know everyone feels it from time to time but do I have to feel it consistently?

Music to Soothe My Soul

I keep going on these download marathons as of late. Imeem.com is great for finding new music if your stuck in the past like me. I love just living in the songs, letting the thumping beats takeover my mind, melting away my worries. I can live in the song, even if its temporary, its well worth it.

Living in the Past without a Future

I can't get over it, no matter what I do I'm haunted by my memories, my dreams and thoughts. They creep into my mind on a daily basis. Its hindering me and now my friend. I never meant to make her cry about it when she was over and past the resentment. The person haunting us is leaving, with no goodbye, as if they first non-goodbye was hard, this one was even harder.

I met a spiritual guide on Monday. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I went through so many emotions in one hour. She gave me 3 days to decide if I want to continue my spiritual quest of sorts. On the first day, I was really gun-ho about it, but after tonight, I began re-evaluating my self reliance.

I can be independent.

I can be an individual.

What's stopping me from living up to my full "potential"?

I am.

It's always been me. I don't know if I can [meaning change] do it on my own but shouldn't I at least try before I rely on someone else?

I refuse to be one of those self help reading, seminar attending, cult suicide joining fools who walk this planet lost in translation. I refuse to be a living ghost, waiting for a ferry to cross over. This life, right now that I'm living, is Purgatory.

This is the place between Heaven and Hell.

I own my soul as long as it inherits this body. I bend my body to do my biding until I leave it for whatever comes next.

I have so many fears, upon fears, upon fears stacked up on my soul, crushing me. I don't want to be afraid to live because I am afraid to die.

Someday I will do something memorable. I was meant to be here. A greater power made sure I was, whatever or whomever it may be.

Halloween Shenanigans

Last night was exciting, although I had to wear the same costume as last year, I looked amazing. There were so many great costumes at this years NY Halloween Parade! It's amazing how many talented and creative people there are living in this small city. I even ran into people I know, its a small world after all.
The scope of it all, the grandeur.
I had a lot of fun. Even in the darkness that engulfs me for the better part of my existence, there are times and memories I can learn to cherish again. Last night was one of them.